The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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