the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...