Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(760): View more from California

i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped

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(845): View more from New York

I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Read it at the TFLN blog
(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(210): View more from Texas

Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list

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