On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..