Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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