My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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