I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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