the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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