I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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