smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
