it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
