So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
