beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
