I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
