I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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