yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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