So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
