I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
