im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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