i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
