You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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