someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
