just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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