So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
