we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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