So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
