Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
