I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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