My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
