Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
