I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
