So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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