i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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