wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
