Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
