Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
