im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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