Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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