I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
