Soap is not a condiment
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
