Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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