His hands were made for my vagina.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
