he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
