Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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