I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
