I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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