John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my shit smells like andre
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i out mim tonsoeep
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