a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Use "feeling words"
Yay
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
