She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
