Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
