i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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