Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
