So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
