dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
