That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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